Existence Rage

Me, Myself, and Her (Episode-II)

'Existence Rage'

"Ok.", she sighed while looking at her lap, and then resumed: "I think I am ready now."

I was sweet for once and replied: "Are you sure?

Her head erected and she gazed straight at my eyes. I have not quite understood her look. Was she mad at me? Or is this a pity look? Fuck her! I don't need any sympathy! I returned to my aggressive self and barked: "What the hell is with this look? If you want to say something, then fucking say it! Tell it to my face!"   

She was appalled by my out-of-proportion reaction. She straightened her back and reculed into her chair crossing both her legs and arms defensively. "You know I didn't mean to", she claimed, "Why are you lashing at me? It is not me that you are angry at."

It was my turn to look down. I opened my mouth to declare a thought. Then I changed my mind and stared at the floor instead.

"What?" She asked impatiently. 

I continued to stare in silence.

She approached me and placed her delicate palm on my knee. I could plainly sense the heat of her breath on my shaved head. Her scent was crusading through my nostrils. Then she completed the exploit of her femininity and deftly murmured "I know you wanna talk. That's why you're here.", she sighed and the heat increased, "Can you please do?"

I sighed as well. I put my hand on the knee where her palm was a moment ago. I looked straight at her eyes and expressed with an encumbered face "I will". My voice was rattled. I was not sure she heard me. I was calmed nonetheless.

"You were right." I admitted dramatically.

"About what?" She swiftly responded.

"That it's not you at whom I was angry.", then I paused for a bit, "I am not quite sure I am angry at what exactly"

"But you are angry!" She announced with a delightful smile. I shook my head in confuse. She continued: "You are describing a feeling. I am glad you're finally doing that". I shook my head in disgust.

"Yeah. Are you happy now? I am angry!" I barked again.

She finally grasped how selfish she was. She then murmured in perplexment "Uhh I am sorry."

I interrupted her "It's ok. Let me talk now."

She nodded while keeping her apologetic face.

"I am not angry at myself either. Or am I? I don't know, I can't be sure. What I am certain about is that I am genuinely angry, I am furious! Maybe at life? At the existence? At humans? Maybe I am angry because I am clueless."

"Clueless?" She repeated.

"Yes! I have no clue why am I doing this." She looked confused so I elaborated "This, this. This life. This waking up in the morning and going to work thing. This eating, drinking, excreting, sleeping thing."

She seemed curious then asked "What's new?"

"A friend asked me today why not to kill oneself. Another one. And I did not know how to answer, so I told him to go have an affair with a married woman."

"What now?" She asked playfully.

"I don't know. It was the first legal suggestion that came to my mind to kill the routine."

"I thought you loved routine?"

"I do." I promptly replied. 

She gazed at me with continuous perplexment. I did not know how to react. I mumbled discretely "Stop pushing me. I don't have to make sense all the time."

"Do you need a break?" She was the one who proposed it this time.

Me immediately: "Please."