Her, Herself, and I

Me, Myself, and Her (Episode-V)

'Her, Herself, and I'

"Long time no see!" she welcomed me playfully.

"I know; right? How have you been?" I replied while sitting down.

"You look uhhh, different?" She hesitated. "Your eyes are saying something unusual to you."

"They gave me away, didn't they?" I smiled. "Guess!". I added to the mystery. She looked at me in wonder, I never came to her in a light mood before.

"No, you tell me." She began to look serious, acting professionally.

I did not answer immediately. I love drama, so I waited to build up the suspense, then murmured "I am in love."

She, literally, opened her mouth in bewilderment. Her lips were forming a capital 'O', her eyes were wide open, and her eye brows almost touched her blonde hair. I softly smiled while holding my laugh. "You what?", she screamed in non-belief.

"Uhhh .. I am sorry?" I couldn't hold my laugh this time.

"Is this why you didn't come to me earlier?" She asked with a hint of blame.

"I guess. I don't think I need you anymore." I said with a straight face this time. "I came to say goodbye," I was looking straight into her eyes. "You deserve a proper one," I extended my arm to place my palm on her ferociously closed fist. "I have to let you go," I affirmed while nodding slowly, then I let go of her hand, and leaned back into my chair. "I am ready to answer all your questions. Your face is full of them. Come on, speak." I returned to being playful.

"How did it happen?" She was still unable to look professional

"I am not sure. At some point, I started to see her everywhere, every time. When I remember events that had happened, I imagine her next to me, supporting me. Celebrating my achievements, and hugging me for consolation when you know, stuff happened." I continued. "I see her in my future. Now in every daydream, in things that will hopefully happen, she is there. My imagination is giving her a role in every play. She is not just a part of my life, no, she is the salt of my life. Everything that had happened, everything that happens, everything that would happen, has a taste now." I was speaking so passionately, while she was staring at me with a certain look, so I stopped.

"And what happened to your desire to die? Didn't you say it was your first thought in the morning?" She wondered in disbelief more than in curiosity.

"It is true. I used to wake up, look at the mirror and whisper "I need to die." I still do, force of habit, but it is different."

"How?" She interrupted.

"Now when I say it, I follow it up quickly by "NO, No, I don't wanna die. I want to live." I paused. "I want to live with her!" I continued the last part while giving her a 'look' back.

"And what about the meaninglessness? The nothingness? The existence pain? Weren't these your words?" She used my logic against me. She was arguing against my decision. She didn't want me to leave her.

"Maybe Cioran's decay was the lack of love. I am not sure how, but she gives a meaning to my nothingness, from within, paradoxically. You know what, maybe Nietzsche's overman is just a man in love. Why not?!"

She could not hold her laugh this time. "Listen to yourself, for God's sake." She was trying to dismiss my counter-arguments by a grin of cockiness. She is indeed using all my weapons against me. "You'll get bored. You know that; right? You are just living an illusion. You are like a monk who believes he could fly."

"They say that men do want something, then as soon as they get it, they go and want something else. But this is not the case." I paused, heavily breathing. "All I want is one thing; one thing only." I asserted with an unavoidable tear.

"Her?" Her mockery was so obvious.

"No."

"So what do you want?" She asked a sincere question for the first time that day.

"All I want is not to lose her." My tear did avoid me.

She returned in her chair dismissing all what I have just confessed, and replied in desperate denial "I don't believe you. You'll come back."

"You are jealous." The elephant in the room cleared its throat.

"I am what? No, definitely not, why would I care?" She was hurt; I always forget that my other self had a feminine side.

"You are jealous because no one will ever love you the way I love her. I am sorry, but I don't love you that much." I began to prepare myself to leave. "From now on, I will describe myself differently. It's her, herself, and I."

"One cannot run from oneself; or from one's other self." She shrieked.

"But I can defeat it; or them." I responded with determination. "With her next to me." I smiled then waved goodbye.

End of series