The Existence Devil

My suicidal thoughts began to roam again all over my head. That dull and frightening feeling. Is it a feeling though? My shrink used to reiterate over the distinction between feelings and whatnot— Cold is not a feeling, but anger is. She used to ask me: "What did you feel? What do you feel?". Well, screw you, woman! I don't know! I have no idea how I feel. I haven't learned to feel. We haven't been raised on sharing our emotions with others!

We've been disciplined to ask God for what we needed, to hide our genuine feelings and rather revealing them exclusively to the Lord; behind the locked doors. Well, screw God and screw the locked doors! 

We grew up and our unspoken emotions got accumulated and they are set to hunt us wherever we go. Well, screw the society and its anti-happiness mindset. Happiness? What sort of happiness is that? Those are life-depleting ideas!

 Do you know what? Screw man's evolution and screw the conscious!

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Yes. It is the conscious. It is the real enemy or 'the original enemy'.  No, the original sin was never a fruit-picking naked woman who was encouraged by a speaking snake. No. Only fools could believe such a baloney, or maybe men. 

The original sin was the deviation of the natural evolution leading to the genesis of the conscience— Conscience is the original sin. Given no conscience, sadness would have perished, anxiety would have disappeared, and misery would have vanished!   

You'd advocate: but what's the meaning of a life with no conscious? I'd tell you: and what's the meaning of life with one? Neither you, your life, nor your conscious possess any meaning! What would differ then if it became unconscious? Oh yes it would! Your life would miss misery. It would lack the quest for meaning and purpose.

Screw purpose! I do not hate anyone more than I hate positive people. Barring the ambitious perhaps. Ambition nauseates me. Yes Doctor, I can describe to you how I feel. It's resentment. I could tally for you what I loathe for relentless sessions and countless hours.

I hate you. I hate this room. I hate my need to you. I hate that I have to expose my emotions to you. I hate your pretty face. I hate your prevailing womanliness and your elegant outfits. I hate the states, I hate the earth, I hate Egypt. I hate myself! I hate my breaths! I hate staying alive. I hate the reckless bus drivers for not hitting me while crossing. I hate people, I hate God, and I hate the devil. I hate the mind, the heart, and the body. I hate the obligation to eat, to drink, and to respire. I hate the need for warmth and shelter. I hate the urge to excrete. I hate the desire to sleep and to rest. 

I detest my lungs and my beating heart for keeping me alive. I detest my eyes for showing me my face in mirrors. I detest my ears for hearing my annoying voice.

Wait! I do not hate my ears that much. I use them to listen to music, don't I? Does this mean that I like music then? I hate my reliance on it. I hate that I need people's screaming voices in my ears for the sake of pausing the chains of my irritating thoughts.

I HATE LIFE AND I HATE DEATH!

No no no. I hate existence. YEEES. It's the damned existence. Men were too naive when they created the devil. Which evil did you want him to embody? The good and evil are both alike. The true devil is the existence.

They praise God portraying him as the existence's designer whereas existence is the most malicious existent.